Be careful what you wish for.

(Originally posted to Livejournal: July 13, 2002)

It wasn't a dream because I was aware of myself and my surroundings, maybe a half-conscious lucid dream, if there is such a thing, but something happened. I don't know if I can explain it. I awoke, half-conscious from a dreamless sleep. There was an emotion... not exactly anger, or frustration; it was the kind of feeling you'd get if the person you hated most was in front of you and you were trying to kill them, not with your hands, but your thoughts, with the entire fiber of your being. My eyes shut. I suddenly became aware of a barrier of some kind. It was a huge wall, pitch black, even though everything was darkness. I had to destroy it, break through it, to reach the other side at all costs. As I did so, the only other thought in my mind was the truth of how insignificant my life, ego, and existance was. It was as if I was looking down at the the entire sum of my being, as if it were very far away. I saw it the way a god might, as truly petty and inconsequential. Through conscious will, the force within me began to gather strength, so much; too much... I was breaking through the wall. And I could have, easily, if I had kept pushing. I would have. I thought I wanted to. Except, as I got closer, I saw what was on the other side. It was death. Oblivion. It wasn't a barrier: it was the end of everything. I felt that if I continued I would die. As the horror of this realization seized me, I was overcome with an intense fear. Pure terror and panic of the kind a child experiences; one who knows with utter certainty and without the fetters of rationality that there's something there, palpable and looming. A prescence, a force, that could kill you at any moment. The fear that comes with the expectation, yet uncertainty of death.

I couldn't go forward. I wanted to, I should have, but I couldn't. It was amazing yet horrifying at the same time.